I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize