just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
