The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize