He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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