The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Randomize
