I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Randomize