oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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