Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
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