I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
It's blow job season.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
