Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
