She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
