They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
