My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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