he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
