I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
do herpes really smell.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
