Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
