I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize