My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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