69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
