Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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