The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
