If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
