Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
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