He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
