I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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