she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
