I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
