I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
