i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
