So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
