No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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