im drinking this country out of the recession.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
