Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You are the jesus of drinking
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize