I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
