i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just invented taco cereal.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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