i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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