I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
