i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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