Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Randomize