Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
ttyl tear gas
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
