My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
