Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize