I am spending my child support on dildos
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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