Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
