You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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