I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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