saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
