i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
