Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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