I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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