so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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