this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
