Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Randomize
