Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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