You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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