remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
