I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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