my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
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