I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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