So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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