On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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