My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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