i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Randomize
