So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
