Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
