I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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