I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
you inspire me to be a worse person
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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