my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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