Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize