OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
