yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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