Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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